My Big Surprise

I'm not home even 5 minutes before three of my offspring pinned me to the floor and cut my hair off. They beamed proudly, "We wanted to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas by donating your hair to Locks of Love."

How generous and caring of them. It looks like a rat ate my hair off.

So let's do a recap here:

I have no legs, hands with waffle iron burn scars, and no hair. And to cover my hideous head, offspring #4 gave me one of those ugly hats with the neckflap. I feel like I'm all set to start dating as soon as the divorce is final. Does anyone have an attractive picture I could use for Internet dating? My mother (the worst mother in the world) is threatening to put a paper bag over my head like she did when I was born.

As I mentioned, my offspring are doing "The Twelve Days of Christmas" and I am required to spend special time with each of them, starting with #1. He took me ice skating. I got to sit there and watch. Someone brought their dog and it kept sniffing me where I would rather not be sniffed. My first instinct was to kick it and tell it to go away, but the missing legs thing interfered with that plan. So I tried to smack it and he tore my sleeve to shreds. Then he resumed his violating sniffing. Guess who it belonged to? My dumb nurse Tanya! She didn't seem to understand why the sniffing bothered me so much. She thought he was oh so hilarious and friendly.

Offspring #1 offered me a hug. I thought for once I was about to receive a genuine loving gesture, but it was just the easiest way for him to shove snow down the back of my shirt. He then bought me a hot dog, asked me what toppings I wanted (deli mustard and some onion), then he threw it and told me to go fetch. >:( Tanya's dumb dog ate it but at least he stopped sniffing my crotch momentarily. It was the most relaxing 30 seconds I had all day.

Special time is about to start with Offspring #2. I hope it doesn't involve eating because my stomachache is getting worse. No one believes me because of my fake melanoma Sharpie stunt.