A Riddle

What has severe cramping, disfigured legs, and is sitting in its own waste thanks to its offspring giving it a plate full of Ex-lax laden brownies?

ME!

Today sucks.

Seriously Constipated

The doctors gave me some heavy duty painkillers for my massive leg injuries and I wondered why it didn't seem to be helping. I was so looking forward to being knocked out, tuning out my offspring, and not wanting to cut off the lower half of my body. After sitting on the toilet for 5 hours, I took a closer look at my medication.

IT'S IMMODIUM!

I've been taking like 8 of them a day! I think someone has been taking lessons from my mother (the worst mother in the world). She has been looking suspiciously relaxed, come to think of it.

Look at all the bills I got today! Look how upset I am. My nails look kind of nice, but my hair sucks and I'm buried in debt! And I still have a rotary phone! WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Oh please, make this stop! I need a job! I need a husband! I need offspring who don't hate me! I need my mother (the worst mother in the world) to die already! I NEED TO POOOOOOO!!!!! I need legs that aren't worthless, bloody stumps!

Offspring #1 just offered to make me some special brownies. Do I want them? I don't think I do.

What should I be for Halloween? It needs to be something that can't walk and screams a lot.

Duct Tape

I was afraid my offspring were going to bind and gag me. Don't I wish. Well, they did at first, but they took it off as soon as they were done using the duct tape to rip the hair out of my mangled legs. Offspring #2 said, "You can't expect to find us a replacement dad with those hairy legs."

Then offspring #1 opened my bedroom window in our 30 degree weather and I said, "I won't be finding you a replacement dad if I'm dead from hypothermia." Then he threw a bucket of cold water on me and ran away laughing. I wish I could walk again. I might be looking at amputation. Offspring #3 asked if they could keep my legs as a souvenier. I'm willing them to my mother (the worst mother in the world). Not my legs. My offspring. I guess I might as well will both of them to her. I'm also leaving her my crippling debt.

Offspring #5 just vomited all over me and took about 30 minutes identifying each and every object before he finally gave me some Q-tips to clean it up with.

I think this is pretty much the worst day of my life until tomorrow.

My Crippled Legs

Church was horrible today. Offspring #4, 5, and 6 dumped me out of my wheelchair in the foyer when no one was around and took turns running over my already pulverized legs. My mother (the worst mother in the world) paid them a dollar every time they did it.

Now they're asking me if we can go buy a Wii with their money. If I tell them no, I'm afraid of what they might do to me.

This is what they brought me for lunch:

How very sweet of them. Oh no. What are they doing with that roll of duct tape?

Happy Freaking Anniversary

It's our 10th anniversary and my not so darling husband brings me some wilted roses (see right) and a card that says, "These flowers are shriveled and dead like our love. Let's celebrate this day by signing these divorce papers." I said, "I'll tell ya what they're shriveled like ....."

He wants the house in exchange for giving me full custoday of all 12 of our offspring. I think I missed something. How is that a good deal?

I forgot to mention, those darling offspring backed over me yesterday with our giant van and no I am not OK, so don't ask. Offspring #3 thought it would be a good joke to tell me the $500 cash I lost was underneath it. He's still bitter about that day we were out of cheese. I'm bitter about my legs being crushed into an unrecognizable pulp.

My mother (the worst mother in the world) called to gloat and told me, "This is what you get for reproducing." Maybe you're thinking she's wise, but did you know she replaced my birth control pills with baby aspirin like 12 times just to torture me? I have my eye on a few nursing homes, like this one.

I like how it almost looks like a prison.

Wrong Place at the Wrong Time

One of my offspring escaped the other night. In my attempt to not be the worst mother in the world (my mother), I ran after them. A helicopter circled overhead and a nearby road was blocked by the police, but I didn't think much of it as I frantically tried to retrieve offspring #7. All of a sudden I heard a voice bellow, "THERE HE IS! GET HIM!" Just then, I felt the most horrible stinging pain in both buttcheeks and went into a mini-convulsion.

Yes, I got tased in the behind.

The worst part about this? I am not a man!

After the police realized their blunder, they apologized and continued their search for the mass murderer in the area. I laid there cold, weeping, and in a puddle. Offspring #7 sat on me and laughed.

Then he ran away again.

My Birth, My Mother

I was born after 74 hours of violent back labor, leaving me with two black eyes, a broken nose, and my mother screaming, "WHAT IS THAT THING? SEND IT BACK!" The doctor said that would cost her double, so she declined.


During activities that required my face to be uncovered, she wore a blindfold. Otherwise I wore a paper bag on my head with a picture of a baby on it she wouldn't want to have been shoved back into her womb.

I almost come close to smiling when I think about how I'm going to bury the old bat in a paper bag with a picture of the mother I always wanted.

This is my brother. He was never good enough for her either.

The Hell That is My Life

I am seriously so not blessed. Every day, something horrible happens to me. Just watch. Today I lost my favorite scrunchie, my closet door fell and ripped my toenail off, and I fell down two flights of stairs. OWWWWWW!!!! Make that three flights of stairs! (I like to blog on the run.) The neighbors are laughing at me. I hate them so very, very much.

My life sucks and I want my toenail back. I'm going to have to paint my other toenails blood red to match.

Time to feed my whiney offspring. We're out of cheese. They told me I'm the worst mother on earth. No, that would be my mother. More on that later.