Dumb 100 Things Tag: I swear, leave me alone people! I hate these things!

For the 10th time I have been tagged with this thing. I'm getting it over with already. I have nothing else to do while I'm feeding Offspring #13.

Suffer with me. Bold everything you've done.

1. Started your own blog - Oh good. I was hoping this thing would have a stupid question and it fulfills my expectations on the first one.

2. Slept under the stars - My mother (the worst mother in the world) made me. With no tent or bug repellant. And a bear almost ate me.

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii - ha ha ha ha. No.

5. Watched a meteor shower - I'm lucky to watch myself shower let alone a meteor.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity - My Offspring donated on my behalf to their video game charity for themselves. So yes.

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo - My mother (the worst mother in the world) made me sing I Feel Pretty in front of my whole school while wearing that bag over my head.

11. Looked up an old boyfriend on Facebook - not on there. Mother + me on facebook = humiliation

12. Visited Paris - That's exactly what the French people want: A hideous, hairless, legless woman with 13 Offspring giggline, "WEE WEE! WEE WEE! WE SPEAK FRENCH!"

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea - Yeah, a close up.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child - ha ha ha

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept in an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight - I was attacked while sleeping peacefully

22. Hitchhiked - The closest thing would be when that pervert drove me to my doctor appointment, but that was because my electric wheelchair died in the middle of the sidewalk.

23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping - No! One person counting my stretch marks is enough.

27. Run a marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse (solar)

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - Mother dropped me in it.

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo's David

41. Sung Karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance - Can I quadruple bold this one?

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gotten out of a speeding ticket

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching - My husband says he has from the comfort of his own home.

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Adopted a stray dog or cat

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job - Something about my personal problems interfering with my work.

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper - An embarrassing one. Courtesy of guess who?

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chicken pox

89. Saved someone's life

90. Sat on a jury - About every other year

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby - x 13

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a lawsuit - The receiving end

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Read an entire book in one day

Catching Up

There's something about having no legs, burned/mangled hands,the hungriest breastfeeding offspring ever,horrible husband, and hideous hair I can't do a thing with that makes it really difficult to blog.

To sum up the rest of the 12 days of Christmas:

7th day

Kazoo/harmonica/drum/xylophone/bagpipe concert courtesy of offspring #7 and all her friends

8th day

Coupons for Curves (Hmmm ..... Couldn't be someone helped him with that one) and a tour of their facilities.

9th day

"Breakfast" in bed (what the heck was that?)

10th day

Played Candyland 10 times with all the double cards and candy cards missing.

11th day

Offspring #11 made me some fingerpainting art with pudding. Only that wasn't pudding. It was a picture of me crying during the waffle iron incident.

12th day

He gave me a bottle of Rogaine and stretch mark cream.


New Year's was special too. More later. Offspring #13 hasn't eaten in almost 5 minutes.

Christmas Shoes

6th day of Christmas:

I was forced to listen to that horrible Christmas Shoes song 30 times today and I even had to watch the movie.

THERE'S A MOVIE!!!!!!

I did not know that.

Offspring #6 wants to buy me some shoes. Should I be scared? Is he suggesting that I am going to meet Jesus tonight just like that horrible, horrible song? Who writes a song like this for Christmas? Merry Christmas. Someone's mother is dying and buying shoes for her corpse. Mmmmmm! I want some egg nog with that! Why is the little boy shopping alone? Why is the store keeper not asking, "Hey little boy, where the h_ _ _ are your parents? I'm calling CPS."

And have I mentioned that I haven't slept in like three days because of Offspring #13?

Do you think if I wrote a Christmas song about my coma and dismemberment of my legs, it would be a hit? Maybe I'm onto something ......

Two Special Gifts

Two "gifts" I got for Christmas:

This shirt from my mother (the worst mother in the world)

My not so darling husband came back because he "missed" me (couldn't get a single date and wanted to see his latest offspring). Offspring #5 told him I had been crying a lot (presumably over him) and she told me we were going to watch the best of the Teletubbies all day together in my room for our 5th day of Christmas togther. In walks my husband. Offspring #5 smiled and ran away.

I'm currently undecided on which is worse - watching 10 straight hours of Teletubbies or the fact that my stretch mark counting serial impregnator is back.

The Fourth Day of Christmas

Typing one-handed:

Offspring #4
Me
Steep hill
Innertube
Barbed wire fence
Moguls
One day postpartum
No legs

A recipe for pure joy.

The Thirteen Days of Christmas

Special time didn't work out as planned for Offspring #3. The stomach pain, the cramping was so horrible and I was sure someone had drugged me with Imodium again somehow. We were supposed to go to the zoo together (sounds innocent, but my offspring know how to turn anything into a nightmare), but I spent hours in the bathroom with him pounding on the door screaming, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! IT'S MY TURN!!!!! WHEN ARE WE GOING TO THE ZOO?!!!! WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN!!!!!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! YOU PROMISED!!! I WANT TO SEE THE HOWLER MONKEYS!!!! HURRY MOM!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

Times that by five hours. I begged my mother (the worst mother in the world) to drive me back to the hospital, but she didn't believe me. I sat on the toilet cramping horribly. Ohhhhhh, the cramping. I thought my last bout with constipation was horrible, but this was 10 times worse! I cried and strained, threw-up, cried some more, strained for probably a couple hours to have a bowel movement, but the only thing that moved was ........












MORE OFFSPRING!!!!!!!!!



OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!

A little memento from my not so darling husband to remember him by. I should've guessed with my mother (the worst mother in the world) telling me how fat I am much more often than usual. I haven't even named the other 12 yet! It's too hard. Offspring #5 says the baby has my legs. Hardy har har. Maybe this one will like me a little.

Offspring #2

I am still freezing from my outing with Offspring #2. He wanted to do something to raise money to buy me new legs. That sounded sweet until I realized he rented a dunk tank. I doubt I have to explain who the designated dunkee was.

What kind of sick person pays to dunk a woman with no legs? I'm accustomed to my offspring doing horrible things to me, but this caught me a little off guard. Thank goodness most of the would be dunkers had really bad aim. I think I went under maybe 50 times. It could've been much worse. But we made a lot of money because some people wanted lots of chances. 3% of the proceeds are going to my new leg charity. The rest is going to Offspring #2's video game fund.

It's really touching. I know.