Monday, December 8, 2008

The Dreaded Christmas Newsletter

Here it is. My mother (the worst mother in the world) could hardly wait to send out her Christmas newsletter (complete with my Will Smith-like allergic reaction face).

The Bird Family 2008 Christmas Newsletter

Dearest loved ones,


2008 has been another blessed year for me and my family. Of course, it hasn't been without its struggles, but the love we have for each other pulls us through. As I write this, my daughter Sarah sits in a hospital bed having lost her legs, but I have been by her side, bringing her the comforts of home and gifts to warm her spirits (like legwarmers and inedible turkey!). The children and I have such great plans for when she returns. It gives us such joy to see to her every need, administering her medication (the wrong medication!), giving her something to smile about, yet helping her maintain her independence (meaning leaving me stranded in my wheelchair instead of taking me to the doctor, letting the random pervert drive me instead).

In addition to caring for my beloved daughter, I am heavily involved in the community. I started a support group for older women to share our innermost feelings. We share a great bond with each other and come away each week feeling wonderfully uplifted (her group for people who hate their children! Who meet in a bar! And the only member is herself!).

My grandchildren are my pride and joy; full of creativity (yeah, they creatively ran over me), energy (the energy it took to throw me on the train tracks), and you can see the love they have for their mother in her time of need. It is my privilege to raise them during Sarah's absence, but we look forward to her return and we know our prayers will be answered. She will be returned to us just in time for Christmas and her children will get to do the twelve days of Christmas for her; one special day between Mommy and them for each child! I can hardly wait to see the look on her face (she means sheer terror).

May you have a Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with happiness and prosperity.

Julia Bird

P.S. Enclosed is a photo of Sarah during one of the many tragic experiences she has had to endure. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! 12 DAYS OF MY CHILDREN TORTURING ME!!!!! I miss my coma more than ever. See what I mean when I said she would come out smelling like a rose? Her newsletters are deceptively normal. But beneath her phoney, fluffy words lurk the most evil intentions.

1 comment:

Grant said...

YES!!!! My first christmas newsletter! Blog lady, you totaly came thru for me. Thanks! Oh, and sorry about your legs. Let me know how the 12 days turn out. The excitement of it will keep me from commiting suicide until AFTER the holidays.

BOTTOMS UP!