When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade

Just when I thought my mother (the worst mother in the world) couldn't be more evil, she proves me wrong. After a week long battle with diarrhea, she was being "helpful" and picked up a stool sample kit from the doctor and delivered it for me. The whole process is really gross. You have this mini shovel you have to use to collect various parts of your poo of differing consistency, color, etc. and put it in a few different solutions. I don't ever care to get this acquainted with my own waste, but it was medically necessary. Normally it's flush and "Let's pretend we never met. You're seriously gross."

So I'm waiting and waiting and waiting for the results and nothing. Mother said the doctor would give me the results in 5 days. I finally call the doctor's office and his response?

"What stool sample? I didn't get a stool sample. But yes, we could use a stool sample."

I had to do it again! So I did and I had to deliver it in my wheelchair because my mother (the worst mother in the world) wouldn't give me a ride! She had to drive to the opposite side of town for her weekly "Mothers Who Hate Their Children Club". She started the club and so far she's the only member. The meeting is in a bar.

Halfway to my appointment, the battery in my wheelchair died and I was stuck. I couldn't wheel myself manually because my hands are severely burned (that's a whole other story). It was drained from the last time my offspring played "Let's pretend Mom is a speedbump". Even more delightful, I was stuck in front of some pervert's house who told me in a very impolite way that he had always want to mate with a cripple.

Just then, this girl I know Kimberly drives past me, hitting an enormous puddle, drenching me all over. She stops to apologize. I tell her I need a ride. I share my ordeal with her and she has this silly grin on her face the whole time. Then she says, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" Sayings like this and "When life gives your rotten bananas, make banana bread" really tick me off because you know what Kimberly? Sometimes life gives you crap and there aren't any recipes that call for that. But if there are, my mother (the worst mother in the world) would surely feed it to me.

Kimberly didn't give me a ride either. She was late for Jazzercise. The pervert was more than happy to oblige. He said my black and blue legs matched my eyes. I can't believe I got there alive. I stayed at the doctor's office for a long time and paid some kid 50 bucks to tell him I was dead.

The whole day pretty much sucked.