My Coma: The Best Vacation I've Had in Years

I woke up in the hospital a while ago. I'm a little fuzzy on the details ..... something about my mother (the worst mother in the world), offspring, and a freight train. Why does my coma have to be over?

I have a roommate. I hate her already because she thinks my mother (the worst mother in the world) is the greatest (she knows how to act normal when she wants to). She screams at the top of her lungs every time her IV machine makes a noise because apparently she thinks it's going to kill her. She had a hysterectomy. I want one of those for Christmas followed by a drug induced coma.

My nurse thinks I'm grumpy and keeps telling me THE dumbest knock knock jokes. She's really cheerful. I hate cheerful. Her name is Tanya. Tanya says, "Laughter is the best medicine!"

I'll show you the best medicine.

What the ..... ? Where are my legs? WHERE DID MY MANGLED LEGS GO?!?! Oh, Tanya, throw me a bone! You gotta warn people about these things! Like ... uhhhhh ... hi Mrs. Butts (Yes, that's my last name - shut-up!), you've been in an accident and your legs are gone. Offspring #9 thinks this is the best practical joke ever. He's giggling and high fiving his brother.

My mother (the worst mother in the world) says, "Look on the bright side. You lost about 100 pounds. How much do your arms weigh?"

Oh. My. Gosh. Can you get an insurance policy on arms? It's bad enough that my hand is still severely burned. Offspring #8 told me to hold out my hand and close my eyes because he wanted to give me a big surprise. He then shut my hand in the waffle iron and everyone cheered as they listened to the sound of my sizzling flesh. I cried and prayed for death.

I have to go. Tanya is trying to serve me a tray of garbage they have the nerve to call food.