Seriously Constipated

The doctors gave me some heavy duty painkillers for my massive leg injuries and I wondered why it didn't seem to be helping. I was so looking forward to being knocked out, tuning out my offspring, and not wanting to cut off the lower half of my body. After sitting on the toilet for 5 hours, I took a closer look at my medication.

IT'S IMMODIUM!

I've been taking like 8 of them a day! I think someone has been taking lessons from my mother (the worst mother in the world). She has been looking suspiciously relaxed, come to think of it.

Look at all the bills I got today! Look how upset I am. My nails look kind of nice, but my hair sucks and I'm buried in debt! And I still have a rotary phone! WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Oh please, make this stop! I need a job! I need a husband! I need offspring who don't hate me! I need my mother (the worst mother in the world) to die already! I NEED TO POOOOOOO!!!!! I need legs that aren't worthless, bloody stumps!

Offspring #1 just offered to make me some special brownies. Do I want them? I don't think I do.

What should I be for Halloween? It needs to be something that can't walk and screams a lot.