Happy Freaking Anniversary

It's our 10th anniversary and my not so darling husband brings me some wilted roses (see right) and a card that says, "These flowers are shriveled and dead like our love. Let's celebrate this day by signing these divorce papers." I said, "I'll tell ya what they're shriveled like ....."

He wants the house in exchange for giving me full custoday of all 12 of our offspring. I think I missed something. How is that a good deal?

I forgot to mention, those darling offspring backed over me yesterday with our giant van and no I am not OK, so don't ask. Offspring #3 thought it would be a good joke to tell me the $500 cash I lost was underneath it. He's still bitter about that day we were out of cheese. I'm bitter about my legs being crushed into an unrecognizable pulp.

My mother (the worst mother in the world) called to gloat and told me, "This is what you get for reproducing." Maybe you're thinking she's wise, but did you know she replaced my birth control pills with baby aspirin like 12 times just to torture me? I have my eye on a few nursing homes, like this one.

I like how it almost looks like a prison.