Catching Up

There's something about having no legs, burned/mangled hands,the hungriest breastfeeding offspring ever,horrible husband, and hideous hair I can't do a thing with that makes it really difficult to blog.

To sum up the rest of the 12 days of Christmas:

7th day

Kazoo/harmonica/drum/xylophone/bagpipe concert courtesy of offspring #7 and all her friends

8th day

Coupons for Curves (Hmmm ..... Couldn't be someone helped him with that one) and a tour of their facilities.

9th day

"Breakfast" in bed (what the heck was that?)

10th day

Played Candyland 10 times with all the double cards and candy cards missing.

11th day

Offspring #11 made me some fingerpainting art with pudding. Only that wasn't pudding. It was a picture of me crying during the waffle iron incident.

12th day

He gave me a bottle of Rogaine and stretch mark cream.


New Year's was special too. More later. Offspring #13 hasn't eaten in almost 5 minutes.

Christmas Shoes

6th day of Christmas:

I was forced to listen to that horrible Christmas Shoes song 30 times today and I even had to watch the movie.

THERE'S A MOVIE!!!!!!

I did not know that.

Offspring #6 wants to buy me some shoes. Should I be scared? Is he suggesting that I am going to meet Jesus tonight just like that horrible, horrible song? Who writes a song like this for Christmas? Merry Christmas. Someone's mother is dying and buying shoes for her corpse. Mmmmmm! I want some egg nog with that! Why is the little boy shopping alone? Why is the store keeper not asking, "Hey little boy, where the h_ _ _ are your parents? I'm calling CPS."

And have I mentioned that I haven't slept in like three days because of Offspring #13?

Do you think if I wrote a Christmas song about my coma and dismemberment of my legs, it would be a hit? Maybe I'm onto something ......

Two Special Gifts

Two "gifts" I got for Christmas:

This shirt from my mother (the worst mother in the world)

My not so darling husband came back because he "missed" me (couldn't get a single date and wanted to see his latest offspring). Offspring #5 told him I had been crying a lot (presumably over him) and she told me we were going to watch the best of the Teletubbies all day together in my room for our 5th day of Christmas togther. In walks my husband. Offspring #5 smiled and ran away.

I'm currently undecided on which is worse - watching 10 straight hours of Teletubbies or the fact that my stretch mark counting serial impregnator is back.

The Fourth Day of Christmas

Typing one-handed:

Offspring #4
Me
Steep hill
Innertube
Barbed wire fence
Moguls
One day postpartum
No legs

A recipe for pure joy.

Offspring #2

I am still freezing from my outing with Offspring #2. He wanted to do something to raise money to buy me new legs. That sounded sweet until I realized he rented a dunk tank. I doubt I have to explain who the designated dunkee was.

What kind of sick person pays to dunk a woman with no legs? I'm accustomed to my offspring doing horrible things to me, but this caught me a little off guard. Thank goodness most of the would be dunkers had really bad aim. I think I went under maybe 50 times. It could've been much worse. But we made a lot of money because some people wanted lots of chances. 3% of the proceeds are going to my new leg charity. The rest is going to Offspring #2's video game fund.

It's really touching. I know.

My Big Surprise

I'm not home even 5 minutes before three of my offspring pinned me to the floor and cut my hair off. They beamed proudly, "We wanted to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas by donating your hair to Locks of Love."

How generous and caring of them. It looks like a rat ate my hair off.

So let's do a recap here:

I have no legs, hands with waffle iron burn scars, and no hair. And to cover my hideous head, offspring #4 gave me one of those ugly hats with the neckflap. I feel like I'm all set to start dating as soon as the divorce is final. Does anyone have an attractive picture I could use for Internet dating? My mother (the worst mother in the world) is threatening to put a paper bag over my head like she did when I was born.

As I mentioned, my offspring are doing "The Twelve Days of Christmas" and I am required to spend special time with each of them, starting with #1. He took me ice skating. I got to sit there and watch. Someone brought their dog and it kept sniffing me where I would rather not be sniffed. My first instinct was to kick it and tell it to go away, but the missing legs thing interfered with that plan. So I tried to smack it and he tore my sleeve to shreds. Then he resumed his violating sniffing. Guess who it belonged to? My dumb nurse Tanya! She didn't seem to understand why the sniffing bothered me so much. She thought he was oh so hilarious and friendly.

Offspring #1 offered me a hug. I thought for once I was about to receive a genuine loving gesture, but it was just the easiest way for him to shove snow down the back of my shirt. He then bought me a hot dog, asked me what toppings I wanted (deli mustard and some onion), then he threw it and told me to go fetch. >:( Tanya's dumb dog ate it but at least he stopped sniffing my crotch momentarily. It was the most relaxing 30 seconds I had all day.

Special time is about to start with Offspring #2. I hope it doesn't involve eating because my stomachache is getting worse. No one believes me because of my fake melanoma Sharpie stunt.

The Dreaded Christmas Newsletter

Here it is. My mother (the worst mother in the world) could hardly wait to send out her Christmas newsletter (complete with my Will Smith-like allergic reaction face).

The Bird Family 2008 Christmas Newsletter

Dearest loved ones,


2008 has been another blessed year for me and my family. Of course, it hasn't been without its struggles, but the love we have for each other pulls us through. As I write this, my daughter Sarah sits in a hospital bed having lost her legs, but I have been by her side, bringing her the comforts of home and gifts to warm her spirits (like legwarmers and inedible turkey!). The children and I have such great plans for when she returns. It gives us such joy to see to her every need, administering her medication (the wrong medication!), giving her something to smile about, yet helping her maintain her independence (meaning leaving me stranded in my wheelchair instead of taking me to the doctor, letting the random pervert drive me instead).

In addition to caring for my beloved daughter, I am heavily involved in the community. I started a support group for older women to share our innermost feelings. We share a great bond with each other and come away each week feeling wonderfully uplifted (her group for people who hate their children! Who meet in a bar! And the only member is herself!).

My grandchildren are my pride and joy; full of creativity (yeah, they creatively ran over me), energy (the energy it took to throw me on the train tracks), and you can see the love they have for their mother in her time of need. It is my privilege to raise them during Sarah's absence, but we look forward to her return and we know our prayers will be answered. She will be returned to us just in time for Christmas and her children will get to do the twelve days of Christmas for her; one special day between Mommy and them for each child! I can hardly wait to see the look on her face (she means sheer terror).

May you have a Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with happiness and prosperity.

Julia Bird

P.S. Enclosed is a photo of Sarah during one of the many tragic experiences she has had to endure. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! 12 DAYS OF MY CHILDREN TORTURING ME!!!!! I miss my coma more than ever. See what I mean when I said she would come out smelling like a rose? Her newsletters are deceptively normal. But beneath her phoney, fluffy words lurk the most evil intentions.

My Coma: The Best Vacation I've Had in Years

I woke up in the hospital a while ago. I'm a little fuzzy on the details ..... something about my mother (the worst mother in the world), offspring, and a freight train. Why does my coma have to be over?

I have a roommate. I hate her already because she thinks my mother (the worst mother in the world) is the greatest (she knows how to act normal when she wants to). She screams at the top of her lungs every time her IV machine makes a noise because apparently she thinks it's going to kill her. She had a hysterectomy. I want one of those for Christmas followed by a drug induced coma.

My nurse thinks I'm grumpy and keeps telling me THE dumbest knock knock jokes. She's really cheerful. I hate cheerful. Her name is Tanya. Tanya says, "Laughter is the best medicine!"

I'll show you the best medicine.

What the ..... ? Where are my legs? WHERE DID MY MANGLED LEGS GO?!?! Oh, Tanya, throw me a bone! You gotta warn people about these things! Like ... uhhhhh ... hi Mrs. Butts (Yes, that's my last name - shut-up!), you've been in an accident and your legs are gone. Offspring #9 thinks this is the best practical joke ever. He's giggling and high fiving his brother.

My mother (the worst mother in the world) says, "Look on the bright side. You lost about 100 pounds. How much do your arms weigh?"

Oh. My. Gosh. Can you get an insurance policy on arms? It's bad enough that my hand is still severely burned. Offspring #8 told me to hold out my hand and close my eyes because he wanted to give me a big surprise. He then shut my hand in the waffle iron and everyone cheered as they listened to the sound of my sizzling flesh. I cried and prayed for death.

I have to go. Tanya is trying to serve me a tray of garbage they have the nerve to call food.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade

Just when I thought my mother (the worst mother in the world) couldn't be more evil, she proves me wrong. After a week long battle with diarrhea, she was being "helpful" and picked up a stool sample kit from the doctor and delivered it for me. The whole process is really gross. You have this mini shovel you have to use to collect various parts of your poo of differing consistency, color, etc. and put it in a few different solutions. I don't ever care to get this acquainted with my own waste, but it was medically necessary. Normally it's flush and "Let's pretend we never met. You're seriously gross."

So I'm waiting and waiting and waiting for the results and nothing. Mother said the doctor would give me the results in 5 days. I finally call the doctor's office and his response?

"What stool sample? I didn't get a stool sample. But yes, we could use a stool sample."

I had to do it again! So I did and I had to deliver it in my wheelchair because my mother (the worst mother in the world) wouldn't give me a ride! She had to drive to the opposite side of town for her weekly "Mothers Who Hate Their Children Club". She started the club and so far she's the only member. The meeting is in a bar.

Halfway to my appointment, the battery in my wheelchair died and I was stuck. I couldn't wheel myself manually because my hands are severely burned (that's a whole other story). It was drained from the last time my offspring played "Let's pretend Mom is a speedbump". Even more delightful, I was stuck in front of some pervert's house who told me in a very impolite way that he had always want to mate with a cripple.

Just then, this girl I know Kimberly drives past me, hitting an enormous puddle, drenching me all over. She stops to apologize. I tell her I need a ride. I share my ordeal with her and she has this silly grin on her face the whole time. Then she says, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" Sayings like this and "When life gives your rotten bananas, make banana bread" really tick me off because you know what Kimberly? Sometimes life gives you crap and there aren't any recipes that call for that. But if there are, my mother (the worst mother in the world) would surely feed it to me.

Kimberly didn't give me a ride either. She was late for Jazzercise. The pervert was more than happy to oblige. He said my black and blue legs matched my eyes. I can't believe I got there alive. I stayed at the doctor's office for a long time and paid some kid 50 bucks to tell him I was dead.

The whole day pretty much sucked.

A Riddle

What has severe cramping, disfigured legs, and is sitting in its own waste thanks to its offspring giving it a plate full of Ex-lax laden brownies?

ME!

Today sucks.

Seriously Constipated

The doctors gave me some heavy duty painkillers for my massive leg injuries and I wondered why it didn't seem to be helping. I was so looking forward to being knocked out, tuning out my offspring, and not wanting to cut off the lower half of my body. After sitting on the toilet for 5 hours, I took a closer look at my medication.

IT'S IMMODIUM!

I've been taking like 8 of them a day! I think someone has been taking lessons from my mother (the worst mother in the world). She has been looking suspiciously relaxed, come to think of it.

Look at all the bills I got today! Look how upset I am. My nails look kind of nice, but my hair sucks and I'm buried in debt! And I still have a rotary phone! WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Oh please, make this stop! I need a job! I need a husband! I need offspring who don't hate me! I need my mother (the worst mother in the world) to die already! I NEED TO POOOOOOO!!!!! I need legs that aren't worthless, bloody stumps!

Offspring #1 just offered to make me some special brownies. Do I want them? I don't think I do.

What should I be for Halloween? It needs to be something that can't walk and screams a lot.

Duct Tape

I was afraid my offspring were going to bind and gag me. Don't I wish. Well, they did at first, but they took it off as soon as they were done using the duct tape to rip the hair out of my mangled legs. Offspring #2 said, "You can't expect to find us a replacement dad with those hairy legs."

Then offspring #1 opened my bedroom window in our 30 degree weather and I said, "I won't be finding you a replacement dad if I'm dead from hypothermia." Then he threw a bucket of cold water on me and ran away laughing. I wish I could walk again. I might be looking at amputation. Offspring #3 asked if they could keep my legs as a souvenier. I'm willing them to my mother (the worst mother in the world). Not my legs. My offspring. I guess I might as well will both of them to her. I'm also leaving her my crippling debt.

Offspring #5 just vomited all over me and took about 30 minutes identifying each and every object before he finally gave me some Q-tips to clean it up with.

I think this is pretty much the worst day of my life until tomorrow.

My Crippled Legs

Church was horrible today. Offspring #4, 5, and 6 dumped me out of my wheelchair in the foyer when no one was around and took turns running over my already pulverized legs. My mother (the worst mother in the world) paid them a dollar every time they did it.

Now they're asking me if we can go buy a Wii with their money. If I tell them no, I'm afraid of what they might do to me.

This is what they brought me for lunch:

How very sweet of them. Oh no. What are they doing with that roll of duct tape?

Happy Freaking Anniversary

It's our 10th anniversary and my not so darling husband brings me some wilted roses (see right) and a card that says, "These flowers are shriveled and dead like our love. Let's celebrate this day by signing these divorce papers." I said, "I'll tell ya what they're shriveled like ....."

He wants the house in exchange for giving me full custoday of all 12 of our offspring. I think I missed something. How is that a good deal?

I forgot to mention, those darling offspring backed over me yesterday with our giant van and no I am not OK, so don't ask. Offspring #3 thought it would be a good joke to tell me the $500 cash I lost was underneath it. He's still bitter about that day we were out of cheese. I'm bitter about my legs being crushed into an unrecognizable pulp.

My mother (the worst mother in the world) called to gloat and told me, "This is what you get for reproducing." Maybe you're thinking she's wise, but did you know she replaced my birth control pills with baby aspirin like 12 times just to torture me? I have my eye on a few nursing homes, like this one.

I like how it almost looks like a prison.