Duct Tape

I was afraid my offspring were going to bind and gag me. Don't I wish. Well, they did at first, but they took it off as soon as they were done using the duct tape to rip the hair out of my mangled legs. Offspring #2 said, "You can't expect to find us a replacement dad with those hairy legs."

Then offspring #1 opened my bedroom window in our 30 degree weather and I said, "I won't be finding you a replacement dad if I'm dead from hypothermia." Then he threw a bucket of cold water on me and ran away laughing. I wish I could walk again. I might be looking at amputation. Offspring #3 asked if they could keep my legs as a souvenier. I'm willing them to my mother (the worst mother in the world). Not my legs. My offspring. I guess I might as well will both of them to her. I'm also leaving her my crippling debt.

Offspring #5 just vomited all over me and took about 30 minutes identifying each and every object before he finally gave me some Q-tips to clean it up with.

I think this is pretty much the worst day of my life until tomorrow.