Catching Up

There's something about having no legs, burned/mangled hands,the hungriest breastfeeding offspring ever,horrible husband, and hideous hair I can't do a thing with that makes it really difficult to blog.

To sum up the rest of the 12 days of Christmas:

7th day

Kazoo/harmonica/drum/xylophone/bagpipe concert courtesy of offspring #7 and all her friends

8th day

Coupons for Curves (Hmmm ..... Couldn't be someone helped him with that one) and a tour of their facilities.

9th day

"Breakfast" in bed (what the heck was that?)

10th day

Played Candyland 10 times with all the double cards and candy cards missing.

11th day

Offspring #11 made me some fingerpainting art with pudding. Only that wasn't pudding. It was a picture of me crying during the waffle iron incident.

12th day

He gave me a bottle of Rogaine and stretch mark cream.


New Year's was special too. More later. Offspring #13 hasn't eaten in almost 5 minutes.

Christmas Shoes

6th day of Christmas:

I was forced to listen to that horrible Christmas Shoes song 30 times today and I even had to watch the movie.

THERE'S A MOVIE!!!!!!

I did not know that.

Offspring #6 wants to buy me some shoes. Should I be scared? Is he suggesting that I am going to meet Jesus tonight just like that horrible, horrible song? Who writes a song like this for Christmas? Merry Christmas. Someone's mother is dying and buying shoes for her corpse. Mmmmmm! I want some egg nog with that! Why is the little boy shopping alone? Why is the store keeper not asking, "Hey little boy, where the h_ _ _ are your parents? I'm calling CPS."

And have I mentioned that I haven't slept in like three days because of Offspring #13?

Do you think if I wrote a Christmas song about my coma and dismemberment of my legs, it would be a hit? Maybe I'm onto something ......

Two Special Gifts

Two "gifts" I got for Christmas:

This shirt from my mother (the worst mother in the world)

My not so darling husband came back because he "missed" me (couldn't get a single date and wanted to see his latest offspring). Offspring #5 told him I had been crying a lot (presumably over him) and she told me we were going to watch the best of the Teletubbies all day together in my room for our 5th day of Christmas togther. In walks my husband. Offspring #5 smiled and ran away.

I'm currently undecided on which is worse - watching 10 straight hours of Teletubbies or the fact that my stretch mark counting serial impregnator is back.

I Hate Tomorrow

I'm running out of tricks and I think my doctors have caught on. I tried drinking some more rancid egg nog my mother (the worst mother in the world) brought me. I vomited into one of those pointless kidney shaped vomit catchers (whatever they're called) that only hold enough vomit for Barbie and maybe a few of her friends (I wish I had friends).

I'm being sent home tomorrow.

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I hate you, tomorrow! You're only a day away! And I've run out of fake illnesses and must go home to my family so they can try to kill me some more!

I do actually have a bad stomach ache that keeps coming and going, but no one believes me. I have a few more things to add to my Christmas list.

New legs

Shorts (no point wearing long pants with no legs)

Legs (which would create a necessity for pants)

Pants (only if I get the legs)

Mommy Dearest on DVD

Any edible foods (by edible, I mean you can actually chew it, swallow it, and keep it down)

A pill case with a lock on it

Gloves (to cover my unsightly waffle iron burns)

Pepto Bismol

Anything that will distract my 12 offspring from wanting to hurt me for fun

That's all I can think of for now. I have to attempt sleep now. It takes a couple hours to make that happen while my roommate is screaming non-stop. I'm told there is a big surprise waiting for me at home. That can't be good. If I could just contract a serious illness by tomorrow morning ......